Surviving Sexual Abuse
You did not deserve to be abused and you do not deserve any of the suffering that you have gone with it. You deserve a fulfilling, happy life.
Suicide is a taboo subject. People don't usually want to talk about it. But many people, who've suffered sexual abuse as children, think about it, plan it, and even attempt it. Why?
When you think about it childhood abuse can have so many harmful effects it's no wonder many think about it themselves. If you're one of them see if any of the following seems true for you:
- You feel very depressed, like there's no point in living.
- You may feel like you can never get anything right, and that you're no use to anyone.
- The future might seem completely hopeless.
- You may feel like the only way to blot out the pain you are feeling is to end it all.
- You may not really want to die, but you want oblivion, a peace, where there's no more pain.
Feeling suicidal can occur at different stages of recovery. Sometimes it happens when you start remembering the abuse and trying to come to terms with what happened. At this point you may experience a lot of emotional pain and chaos. Then as you start recovering you may feel despair thinking of the long road that lies ahead. But the feelings can often come back later on if you uncover new memories, or even when you achieve what seems like a positive breakthrough.
What to do if you feel like killing yourself.
Don't do it! O.K., this is easy to say. But the tragedy is that a small number of survivors do kill themselves. This is not only tragic in itself, but also because our experience is that, over time, and with support, the pain gets less. You deserve to live. Get help and support. Talk to the people you trust about how your feeling. Suicide, like abuse, occurs in isolation. Try to reach out to those you trust.
Consider talking to your Doctor. Suicidal feelings can be related to depression. People who've been abused often experience bouts of depression. These days, doctors regard depression as a treatable illness with anti-depressant medication. Some survivors have found anti-depressants useful in lifting their mood. They're not the answer to dealing with abuse issues but they may get you over a rough patch.
Decide what structure you need to stay safe. Do you need to be around someone all the time? Do you need to be able to contact someone by phone 24 hours per day? Are there trusted people around you who can do these things for you, and are they willing to do it.
Remember that there are people available 24 hours per day by phone, and sometimes can even offer face-to-face support. They are usually accepting, don't judge, and are experienced at listening to people who feel despairing.
If you feel you need a short spell in hospital to stay safe you'll probably have to consult your Doctor or another health professional. Consulting such people can be useful but you should be fully informed about the power they possess. People feeling suicidal are usually offered a bed on a psychiatric ward if there is no additional help to offer them in their own home.
But be aware that some professionals also have the power to detain you against your will if you decide you don't want to go into hospital. If two doctors say you are a danger to yourself and suffering from a mental disorder, and a social worker agrees, you can be detained against your will on a psychiatric ward. As a child you may already have had the experience of something bad being done to you against your will, so the thought that you may again be forced into doing something you don't want to do may be scary.
If you feel you do want to get involved with Doctor or other mental health professionals try to take a friend or ally along with you to support you and help you argue for what you want.
Try to avoid using alcohol or non-prescribed drugs. If you're already feeling low, these will only make you feel worse. Try to make an agreement with someone about what you'll do if you start to feel suicidal. This person could be a trusted friend or a counselor.
Your agreement with them might include.
- Who you will ring.
- Where you go to e.g. a safe place to spend the night.
- What measures' you will take to reduce your distress e.g. relaxation, medication etc.
Make a list of reasons for living. It may seem difficult. But write down anything that comes to mind. Survivors often come up with many reasons for living like:
- I won't let the abuser win.
- I want to be here for my friends/family.
- If I can stick with it the pain will get less.
Try to imagine a future where the pain has reduced. Again this is hard to do if you feel down. Try to imagine what life will be like in a months time, a years time, three years time, all the time with you recovering from the effects of the abuse, the pain reducing, and you getting more of what you want from life.
If you're in counseling or a support group try to make a plan with them about what you'll do between sessions and make a commitment to come to the next session.
If you're in the process of exploring your abuse in counseling, or a group, decide whether you need to take a break and concentrate on just staying safe.
Some people might feel they can push through the pain - others might need to take a break.
Finally, remember you deserve to live.
Coping with Crisis
Crisis can hit at many points whilst you're dealing with and recovering from sexual abuse. It can hit when: You begin to realize what happened to you as a child. You start getting memories about what happened to you. You begin to talk about what happened and it begins to 'hit home' how much you've been hurt.
You start to get other memories you didn't know were there. Other things go 'wrong' in your life like relationship break-ups, financial difficulties, and problems at work
Things remind you of the abuse, like having contact with the person who abused you, the death of the abuser, or significant anniversaries such as birthdays.
Something very scary happens like you are the victim of an assault. This is scary in it self and can also be a powerful reminder of the past abuse.
Crisis can be a particular feature of the early stages of remembering and dealing with the abuse. It can feel at this point like everything is in chaos. But it's not confined to this stage. Along the way a crisis can be triggered by some of the events described above. Sometimes things can seem to get worse before they get better as the full extent of the hurt suffered becomes clearer. There's no particular time limit to a crisis. They can be short and dramatic or last for a long time.
What happens in a crisis?
It's usually noticeable that one or more parts of your life are not working right, and people around you may have commented upon this. Where there's a crisis there's usually a feeling of being threatened. The threat may be obvious a physical such as the place you're living not being particularly safe. Or it may be more subtle - as if your inner sense of yourself a~ a person and a man is under threat. You feel like you can't cope with the feeling of threat. Being abused as a child can trigger a number of threats for you as an adult.
Starting to get memories can leave you feeling vulnerable. Men are usually brought up to think of themselves as 'strong'. It can be a shock to the system to think that this could have happened to you.
You may feel confused sexually. What happened to you as a child may lead you to question what it means for you now. If you're 'straight' you may wonder if what happened makes you 'less than a person.' If you're gay you may wonder whether you're gay because you were abused. All of this is very unsettling and may threaten the way you see yourself sexually.
If you're currently in a dangerous situation or suffered a recent assault you might be thinking, “Why can't I cope with this? I should be able to.” Again, this threatens your overall sense of safety.
Getting Support in a Crisis
Why is getting support so important? There are many reasons.
Two features of a crisis are a sense of threat and a feeling of not coping; you need some support to help you 'over this nightmare.'
Any support you build now will stand you in good stead throughout the journey. Even when you're not in a crisis, getting support is an essential part of recovery.
Abuse tends to occur in secrecy and isolation. It's important to try to break this pattern by getting support.
Men often feel that they have got to 'go it alone,' even in the most challenging situations. It's hard to recover from what happened when you were a boy without reaching out for some extra help. This is never truer than in a crisis.
So, what exactly is this support? In many ways support means people. But not just any people. These are people with very particular qualities, who:
- Listen to your feelings
- Accept and respect you
- Are reliable
- Are trustworthy
- Keep your confidences
- Believe you that you have been abused
- Don't 'play down' what happened to you
- Never blame you for what happened
- Never side with the person who abused you
Basically, you need a Support Team to help you. They may be found in your immediate social circle, (partner/family/friends), from professional helpers, (therapists / counselors / other professionals / voluntary organizations), or from other Survivors Team don't have to be highly qualified. Nor do they always do 'professional' things. For instance a supportive person might
- Make you a meal
- Come round for a chat
- Listen
- Tell you they care about you
- Allow you to 'let off steam' by crying or shouting
It's "worth going through the people you are involved with, whether personally or professionally, and deciding whether you think they have the qualities mentioned above. If they don't then they, may not be the most supportive people to have around if you're going through a crisis.
In choosing your Support Team here are some issues to consider.
There are a number of different types of professional FRIENDS. Most of the options mentioned for 'Partners' are equally relevant when choosing which friends to include as part of your Support Team. When asking them for help you could consider whether they would be prepared to:
- Receive phone calls when you are distressed, including at night.
- Listen if you need to talk about the abuse and your feelings
- Accompany you when you need support, doctors appointments, shopping etc.
Like your partner, friends will have their personal, needs too. So, some negotiation will have to take place about what they can offer. You may be that all this asking for help sounds very weak, and that as a man you should be able to cope. Try to remember: It's a sign of courage not weakness. The journey you're embarking on is very difficult and some teamwork will help you get to where you want to go.
You don't have to ask everyone for help. To help you through times of crisis choose one or two special friends who you are close to and trust.
Professional Helpers
Counselors and Psychotherapists
One question you may be asking is: Should I get individual counseling therapy? A good counselor or therapist can be a great help on your journey.
Some Survivors have found them helpful. Others manage OK without them. Whatever your view, remember that they are just people and so need to show you the qualities of a supportive person mentioned above. In addition you may want to check out the following:
- Has the counselor ever worked with survivors of sexual abuse?
- What training have they had?
- Who are they accountable to? e.g. a supervisor or professional body. This may help you decide whether you think the counselor is competent and has knowledge of the issues.
This was written by a Survivor of Sexual Abuse and up dated on 07/08/07.
© Anthony Sarjant 2003-2007